Wow, it's almost been a year since I last posted. -wince-
So here I am in my apartment, thanking God for my great roomie. I am now going through my book collection to see what books I should get rid of - and figured out since I haven't read more than half of them, I need to read them before I do.
Pinocchio nation: embracing truth in a culture of lies is the one I'm on now. Despite the title, it's actually really interesting about truth being practical and why it's important. (I may keep it - Anna will be thrilled...)
So what's the truth about my life right now?
I'm half-way through my second year at American University; I dropped down to two classes a semester in order to work at an ESL center. The classes were great, a Research Seminar and Cross-Cultural Communication, but I still had trouble focusing on them. Balancing school and work is tough, especially since I struggle with fatigue. But I now have a full draft of a research proposal and two places I will send it too - my goal is to do research in SE Asia next year for my thesis.
At the same time, I remember God telling me to go for the PhD program. And now I'm dragging my feet. I haven't contacted my references, though I have two excellent ones lined up. Last year, my AU references didn't get them in for weeks (unlike Dr. Winquist who was awesome about it!), which did not help my application - and I was eventually denied.
It's daunting right now. I was talking with my sister and she has a general plan for the next 2-5 years. And I realized that this one choice: PhD or research ensures my next few years. The PhD grounds me in DC for the next 5 and I'll probably settle here (an ack-I-really-am-an-adult moment). The research on the other hand, means I'm at loose ends afterward, though the Boren Fellowship entails a commitment to the State Department afterward. It's a little scary.
I told my sister that I want to do research, teach and write. And it's true. And to do research, well, as much as I loved Taylor, it did not prepare me well. Honestly, I need more preparation, which AU can give me. I guess I'm just worried about not getting in - and so am currently sabotaging myself. Won't mom be pleased.
I do love DC, but I've been hesitating to really engage myself. A friend recently sent an e-mail, confiding: "because I don't want to be here I find myself not actually living here, not engaging in life and people to the fullest and in obedience to Christ." I'm doing that, but I think more because I don't want to give myself and then lose those relationships. I keep thinking DC is just temporary and so if I can just get by...
I hate 'just getting by' though. My sister and I have always disagreed about this one point - and I feel like it's cultural. Our culture is all about getting to know yourself, accepting who you are and capitalizing on it. I disagree.
"When we embrace who we are-warts, scars, blisters, and all-something amazing begins to happen. An honest assessment of our flaws and challenges can lead us to viable action to deal with them. Then those things within us that we fear, those things that we don't want anyone else to see, lose their power." (p.48)
A long time ago, I decided I will never be perfectly content with 'just getting by'. But it's easier when I don't have to talk to people who ask how I'm doing. But I don't want easier. God never promised an easy life, but He did promise a more abundant one and I'm holding onto that.
So my New Year's Resolution? Talking to at least one family member, friend, church person (not counting my mom), who will ask me that every week.
